I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I feel it
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Autocarrot sucks!
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”