Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.