Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Word!
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.