Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*