If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.