Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”