I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.