ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*puts my mental health in rice
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?