If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”