Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses