Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My Sentiments Exactly
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.