A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult