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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
IT’S-A ME,
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
hackers play passwordle
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: