Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…