Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
We’ve all been there
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body