It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Last-minute gift idea!
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.