Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
BETRAYAL
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
It’s a gift
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.