[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine