Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!