Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 馃槶
Me: 馃槓鈽癸笍
Me: I thought I was your best friend 馃槶
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It鈥檚 impossible to tell.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they鈥檙e ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Back in the day, we didn鈥檛 have google just a drunk uncle.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?