I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Name another movie that mislead you?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you