[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
#merica
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
There is no try. There is only give up.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”