[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me in tagged photos
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
me: my friends:
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts