Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
mariah carrie
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.