Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?