If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling