“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?