Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.