[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda