Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff