#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I hope Alan is OK
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.