It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Why soy sad?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…