The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Received some very disappointing news today
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No