(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You Might Also Like
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
thank god the sign was there
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too