Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
You Might Also Like
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better