“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.