Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The glory of fall.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).