My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
This one’s “Alex”.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]