Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
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[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Very problematic