The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
People buying plungers never look happy.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight