Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Tough love is true love