being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
constantly working on myself.