[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
This is why I hate group projects
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?