Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The old gods are rising again.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I am all good here, 😂😉
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked