The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.