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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Two types of dogs.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?