Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Only a mother’s love …
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My favorite female superhero
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password