You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*