ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.