I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
never compromise your values
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Miscakes
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?